Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
