youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
