my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
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