if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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