Need sex. Gaining weight.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Randomize
