I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
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