you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
