my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels