I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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