The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
