Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
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we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
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I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.