My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
