Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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