he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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