Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
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My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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