I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
