Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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