my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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