your parents love me but you hate me
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize