I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
