look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
