remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
