Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
