Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
