i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
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