I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
he fucked my hip out of place.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
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