I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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