Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
