Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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