Capitaan dildo arrescate!
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Randomize
