The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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