Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
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Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
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Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
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