I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
