just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
