Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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