if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Randomize
