OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Randomize
