I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Randomize
