all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
