I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
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