I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I feel like death gave me a hand job
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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