He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Randomize
