i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
