Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Randomize
