Pregnant stripper...not hot.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
