It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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