i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
