So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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