his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
