Picture Ja Rule and 50 Cent having a sexy full grown love child son...He's on my bus right now, wearing an outside jacket with no shirt underneath. My fashion sense and libido are fighting it out.I'll keep you posted on who wins.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
