he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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