capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
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