I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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