so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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