Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
