can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
