Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Randomize
