The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
