Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
