i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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