Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
